Other Countries (in)

Europe

France

Well, we have been fighting the French for centuries, haven't we?  We still are - it's what the Common Market is for.  There are many good reasons to hate the French, and it is hard to know where to begin, but I will start with jealousy.

French people are sexy.  It's not really them, just their confounded accent.  The ugliest French person is attractive to an English person simply because of this factor.  This is deeply unfair.  Also, they have good food, good wine, and good taste.  This is surely the most civlised country on earth.  Also produced Descartes - MG's second favourite philospher - brave, honest and clever - shame he was wrong about everything.

Sadly, there are many things they are rubbish at.  Toilets is an obvious example.  Their empire was crap compared to ours - they just had to make do with our left-overs.  Economy - rubbish.  Cars - superrubbish.  

Germany

Again, many reasons to hate the Germans.  A couple of rather major wars for a start.  Still, we won, so that's OK.  I guess we dislike these other nations 'cos they tend to be good at the things we are bad at.  The Germans have discipline and work ethic.  They are precise and methodical.   They make the world's best cars (they even own Rolls bloody Royce for god's sake).  They beat us at football.

Good things:  Cars, Nietzsche

Bad Things:   Food, Kant, and no sense of humour.  You only have to see the reaction from a German to this wonderful national stereotype - they go friggin' balistic!

Iberia (Spain and Portugal)

Both languages are super-sexy and very similar - until you try to speak Spanish to a Portugese... Both of these Catholic countries managed to procure decent empires (nothing like as good or big as ours of course).   The women are beautiful.  Food's ok.  Wine ok.  Iberia is like a small version of Austalia - all going on 'round the edges, big expanse of nothing at all in the middle.  Get's more beautiful the further north you go.

Things most likely to offend Spanish and Portugese people:  Being lumped in together as 'Iberia'.

Africa

Alas, space forbids a detailed look at African countries.  Suffice it to say that they fall into two groups:

1   Those with stuff

2   Those without stuff

By stuff, I mean diamonds and oil.  If they've got it, we want it, and have taken it.  If they haven't we're quite happy to watch them kill each other, or watch foul diseases ravage the population when we could quite easily help if only big pharma wasn't so intent on making offensive profits.

South America

Has some very big countries.   Also, MG is reliably informed that South American countries are blessed with the most beautiful women in the world.  Prone to producing dictatorships and drugs.  The Spanish and Portugese conquered South America (with the cunning use of flags (pace Eddie Izzard again) - they did a similar job there to the job we did in North America - mostly involved looting, murdering, raping and deliberately exposing the indigenous peoples to horrible diseases - also, like us in North America, ended up with bugger-all to show for it.

Asia

Also has some very big countries.  Top tip for western govenments - don't bother invading Afghanistan - it's like the continent of Asia in RIsk - even if you get it, you can never hold it.

Russia

Biggest country in the world.  Lost 30m in the war, where we lost 450,000 (Americans lost about 400,000).  Not satisfied with that, Stalin killed another 30m later.   Russia has a lot of very poor people (those that are still alive!).   Produces oil, precious metals and snow.   Vast tracts of land that are uninhabitable.

Good things: Communism, writers, chess, and very tall beautiful women whom you can marry online.  

Bad things:  Not very good at communism, or the rampant capitalism and gangster-culture that has taken its place.  

China

Most populous country in the world (1.3 billion at the last count, but that was 10 minutes ago...).  Famous for Confucius...'silence is a true friend that never betrays'.  Famous also for Sun Tzu, who hired Michael Douglas to do his marketing in 'Wall Street'.  Not much good at original thought apart from these examples, but able to copy practically everything and everyone else - perfectly (and much cheaper).

Good things:  Invented gunpowder

Bad things:  Used it, told others about it

Mongolia

Not famous for anything except having an 'outer' area where nothing happens and nobody lives, oh, and hordes of bloodthirsty tribesmen.  Quite important strategically in Risk.

Kazakhstan

A massive country!  Looking at my globe here, it looks about the size of continental Europe!   Famous for Borat and not having a very cool response to Borat.

Iran and Iraq

Very similar countries, because of the spelling.  Iran's a lot bigger.  One's Suni the other Shi'ite.  Got tons of oil - conspired together to invent the invisible nuclear bomb - a devastating weapon that has caused the deaths of thousands of people.  Also famous for ridiculously beautiful women - small wonder that they want to hid them under layers of clothing.

Pakistan

Invented by the British after the war.  Doesn't like India very much (another royal fuck-up by the British).  In this case though, a serious fuck-up because both India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons.  If you're waiting for armageddon to kick off to the south-west of these countries, you may be wrong...The India-Pakistan border looks a bit dodgey to MG.  

Learnt to play cricket very well.  Like all decent sports, we invent it,  teach the world how to play it, then watch everyone beat us at it...

Saudi Arabia

Has a lot of oil.  Owns America.  Executes people for jaywalking.

Other Middle-Eastern Countries

Like Saudi, are arab, and hate the jews.  Unlike Saudi, are poor, so can't afford nuclear weapons, except the invisible ones, which are very reasonably priced.

Israel

Obviously watches its diet - a very slim country.  In fact an F16 can fly over its eastern border and be over its western border in just a few minutes.  Owned and invented by America after the war - not a great move it seems...   It's a little-known fact that Henry Kissinger considered moving Isreal to Mexico - after all, Mexico is massive and Israel is tiny - no-one would notice.  Given that the Americans can move massive bridges like London bridge halfway across the world, it surely ought to have been possible to move say a third of Jerusalem over to Monterrey (leaving two thirds there for the Muslims and Christians).   MG is baffled as to why this plan never saw the light of day.

Skills:  Kicking serious butt.  For every Jew murdered by the Palestinians, the Jews murder 5 or 6 Palestinians by way of reprisal.  Don't mess with the Jews!   The Jews are also very good at producing financiers, lawyers and musicians.  An especially talented people.

Bad things about the Jews:  I'm too scared to say...

Thailand

Beatutiful country, friendly people, great food, fabulously cheap.  Also forms part of the general area one needs to control if one is to hang on to Australia in Risk.

Also, if you come from America or Europe and are very ugly, you can buy yourself a Thai bride, as long as you bring her home - once she has her Western citizenship sorted, though, she will automatically and immediately transform from sweet, loving and obliging into the worst nag bag-harridan in the world.

Good things:  They love their Royal family; Thai red curry 

Bad things:  They have to love their Royal family, and the curry is lethal (putting the Indian vindaloo to shame).